Wedding Season 2020: the Year of the Uninvited Guest.
How to plan your wedding when the coronavirus gets in the way.
If no one else has told you this, please allow me to be the first: I’m so sorry this has happened.
Confusing, unpredictable emotions are expected while planning a wedding, even in the best of circumstances. When you imagine the worst-case wedding day scenario it’s probably a torrential downpour, a tux that doesn’t fit, a schedule that’s running behind or maybe a family member who had one too many signature cocktails.
Wedding Season 2020 includes the reality of a worldwide pandemic — it’s like the guest that refuses to leave. This unprecedented challenge, combined with a collapsing economy, intensifies those normal emotions in increments counted in millions. This is not what anyone thought they’d have to overcome during the weeks and months leading to their wedding. As a bride or groom approaching your wedding date, you are undoubtedly feeling an undercurrent of some wariness, if not outright panic. It’s deflating at best and deeply depressing at worst. Of course this makes you nervous. Of course you want to talk it through.
You have permission to feel every single one of those emotions. Process them, exhale, then move forward, together.
Your wedding plans are at the mercy of experts, scientists, and ever-changing regulations. No matter when the day is scheduled, tingles of worry sting as you are wondering what is the right thing to do. Friends and family may tell you to keep perspective and to be grateful as you’re grieving a potential upheaval for which no one could plan. This is a time when the ugliest word in the wedding planning dictionary may rear its head. When they tell you not to “freak out” or become a Bride- or Groom-zilla, swat those barbs away.
This is a moment when you are reminded — or perhaps you’re learning for the first time — how much life will surprise you. It can blindside you and knock the wind out of you, no matter how calm and levelheaded you may be, no matter how smart and thoughtful and rational you are. None of those qualities can change what’s happening; money can’t change it, love can’t change it, you can’t change it. The only thing that can change it is acceptance and a willingness to move through and move forward.
There is an opportunity for beauty during this difficult time. You can spin the end of this chapter to suit you, possibly even more so than your previously perfect wedding would have done! You and your partner — because it’s ultimately about how the two of you will begin your married life together — have the chance to look at your dream and decide what is truly meaningful and practical for you. It’s okay to still want your carefully-crafted fantasy wedding but the reality may look different.
It may not be as simple as just changing the date. That, in itself, is an overwhelming task and, in some cases, an impossible one. You or your fiance might be facing military deployment or planning a big move. Postponing could mean that a beloved elderly relative won’t be there. Take your time, weigh the pros and cons. If you decide to move forward with the current date, flexibility is going to be your best friend.
You have a choice as to where you want to go from here. There is no wrong answer to any of the questions you are asking yourself, as long as you answer them thoughtfully. As you adjust your plans — and now is the time to accept that your plans are going to change in some way — there are a few things to remember.
The wedding and the reception are two different things.
We’ve become so accustomed to packing a whirlwind of wedding activities into a weekend. There is an alternative: you could spread out the joy of the celebration over a matter of months or a year.
After I was married, I fantasized about spending the rest of my married life traveling to other parts of our country and around the world, having a ceremony of sorts in every culture we could find.To be fair, one of those “cultures” was a drive-through chapel in Las Vegas. In my mind, it was a way to show our love and commitment in every language and every jurisdiction. While the reality of that was expensive and impractical, I still have the idea in my back pocket.
You could start by reinventing your wedding ceremony into something private and intimate. Invite your very closest family members and have the sweet, touching ceremony of your dreams. Take all of the time you want to share poems and private words, your favorite songs and readings. Imagine having as much time as you need for photographs without the pressure of 150 people waiting for you to start dinner. If your area is still under lockdown, marry each other in the privacy of your living room. Include your loved ones by asking them to choose special moments or songs for the two of you to share. Ask a photographer to take no-contact wedding photos from the sidewalk or in your backyard. Later — in a few months, in a year, on your anniversary — renew your vows and throw a fantastic, weekend-long party for everyone.
Tradition is subjective.
Traditions may become more important to you than ever; on the other hand, you may decide to throw them out the window. Learn their origination stories and decide what suits your personality.
The cutting of the wedding cake is symbolic of the first domestic task you’ll do as a married couple. It is said that the tradition of the Pittsburgh cookie tables began during the Great Depression. Weddings still happened — just like yours will — but couples simply couldn’t afford a wedding cake. To replace it, family and friends baked their favorite cookies with love. You can jump a broom or break a glass under your heel. Take this time to select what unique version of events represents your relationship and your future life together.
Different doesn’t mean the lesser of two choices.
If you do decide to move your reception date, take a moment to think about how you’d really like to celebrate. What would you do if you didn’t have to cater to everyone else’s expectations? Your re-imagined reception may be the same event you’d planned, just picked up and moved to a different day. Alternatively, you can choose to shift the focus or add in elements you decided to forego during the first round of planning. Fill your wedding weekend with fun, eclectic events: formal cocktails and hors d’oeuvres in a hotel ballroom, a casual BBQ on a farm, or an early evening garden party that ends with your guests dancing under the stars and howling at the moon. Wear a traditional gown or tux for the renewing of vows, then do a costume change for the reception. Implement the reception design elements that everyone told you were not wedding-appropriate or otherwise too much. Forego the head table, assigned seating, and dress code, or require black tie and evening gowns. Whichever path you choose, it’s possible you’ll be physically and emotionally present in a way that the wave of a typical wedding and reception — as beautiful and exhilarating as it is — does not allow.
If you have a party, of any kind, you’re responsible for being a good host.
Being a good host is why we block hotel rooms, offer transportation, and include a well-thought-out meal on a wedding day. As you map out the new vision for your wedding, it’s important that you manage the expectations you’ve placed on your guests.
When we are finally able to return to some version of our normal existence, when large gatherings are permitted and everyone is allowed to go back to work, people will need time to put their lives back together. They’ll be returning to their jobs, sending kids back to school, and sorting their finances. It’s possible that traveling, purchasing a wedding gift or a new outfit, or reserving a hotel room may not be feasible any more. At the least, it will be a financial burden that your guests may have to weigh more heavily than they had to before. Quite simply, your friends and family may not be able to attend your wedding celebration. A party may be just what everyone is looking for, but you should prepare yourself for a smaller-than-expected guest count. As much as you need to make choices that are specific to your best interests, realize that the people closest to you need to do the same.
No one knows when this particular version of the apocalypse is going to end. The pandemic may feel very distant and surreal to you, and I sincerely hope it stays there! Everyone wants you to have the day that represents your journey as a couple and begins the next chapter of your lives. Your friends and family can’t wait to celebrate with you. Your wedding vendors have put in countless hours to make your middle-of-the-night brainstorms into a reality. Right now caterers should be creating delicious food, photographers capturing private moments, and DJs assembling playlists that will pack wedding dance floors. Instead of doing what they love, they’re caught in a cycle of uncertainty, too, trying to guide and soothe their clients while hiding their own growing fear of the unknown future. We look forward to the wedding season as much as any engaged couple and share your disappointment. We’re a hardy bunch, though, and know we will be back to creating memories soon.
Keep planning your wedding. Embrace the joy and hold on to all of the hope that a wedding represents. As you navigate this unfamiliar path, take time to savor how you feel about your partner and celebrate every moment. That’s the secret to a good marriage, anyway … that, and always kissing each other goodnight.
Cori Agostinelli Kalupson is a writer (coming soon) and wedding planner in Central Pennsylvania who is trying to change the world, one dramatic scene at a time. She’d love to share your table, your stories, and maybe a little something to eat.
